| Yay! |
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| 01:45pm 14/06/2005 |
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mood:  better
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look, it's cool-- my friend ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) kingsley_kisses drew this picture of me to cheer me up (she's so nice!):
it's really cute, i think, and those are really my posters (though they are actually in a different place and there are lot of other things on my wall, but she couldn't remember all of them-- i know i couldn't either!). that is also my stuffed cat that i've had since i was little-- her name is meowmeow, which is very stupid-sounding, i know, but i was so young when i named her. and you can't go changing someone's name just because you think it's stupid later, right? anyway, thank you kingsley!
well, since i am here online and have nothing to do right now, here are a few silly things about me:
favorite movies: kiki's delivery service, princess mononoke, the cat returns, bend it like beckham, bringing up baby, some like it hot (i like old black & white comedies), most good fantasy movies (there are a lot of them).
favorite bands/musicians: the cure!!!, kate bush (those are obvious from the drawing, aren't they!), heavenly, the field mice, belle & sebastian, the smiths, george & ira gershwin, rufus wainwright, um, that's all i can think of right now...
favorite foods: shrimp, prawns, those prawn crisps, cheese and shrimp sandwiches, pasta, espresso (which is really a drink, but i didn't want a separate drink category).
favorite color(s): purple or black.
pet(s): a cat named buttons (she is black & white and kind of plump and very sweet).
now i am done listing things, but feel free to list your own list or suggest a category! i don't know, whatever you want to do, because you are free, right? ^_^ |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| a curious person! |
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| 03:43pm 09/06/2005 |
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mood:  silly
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first of all, thanks to everyone who came to our party! i hope you had a good time. :3
now, here is a silly online quiz that i took (it's fun to take them when i have nothing better to do, even though i know they are silly). i liked the result, but i don't know how true it is... it makes me sound very impressive. am i insightful? i'm not sure!
You Are a Visionary Soul |
You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.
You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul
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now that the party is over, i don't know what to do with myself this weekend! i have no plans... oh well, i have to clean the house with nigel, i guess. oh no. i hate cleaning... i'm really bad at it. i hope i don't have to mop; that is what i'm worst at. we have to get everything clean before dad gets home! if only i could be visionary like the quiz says and envision a way out of all this work-- that would be cool! ^___^ |
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Read 10 - Post |
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| [private post] |
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| 02:19pm 09/06/2005 |
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mood:  hungover
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why am i so stupid? i just don't know. i wish that one day i'd wake up and suddenly i wouldn't be doing the things i seem to keep doing, over and over. i'd wake up and be someone else. i don't want to be myself anymore. i'm tired of it. people always say 'be yourself', but that's the worst thing, really. the worst thing you could do.
***
poem written late last night (early this morning), when i didn't feel so bad. it's not very good:
night.
so soft your fingers and
all the dark world smells like wine
and sheets and your body above
mine as your fingers move over
my face, soft as catkins, soft as
feathers, softer than flour.
***
i'm sure he won't call. i mean, why would anyone? i'm not even worth calling. |
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| after school. |
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| 12:56am 21/05/2004 |
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mood: satisfied
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[filtered post: no graham.]
i really can't believe it. i stayed after school to practice, and as i was leaving, walking through the car park to catch the bus, i met up with a (it was late in the day and no one else was really about), and he actually offered to give me a ride home. that was really nice, i thought. he didn't have to do that. so now i feel better about him not talking to me in school, and i guess i understand why that is. obviously, some people are prejudiced.
he asked me if he should take me home, and i said if he wanted to go somewhere else first, that was fine. so he drove me to the park near here, which is rather out of the way of everything, and oh, it was so nice. i really couldn't believe it was happening.
he drives me a little mad. i know it's stupid, but i feel like i want to be with him all the time. yes, it's very stupid! especially since i know he doesn't want to be with me. but he must like me a little, at least a little bit? because he told me from the first he doesn't do regular things, but we've done it several times now, and each time feels better than the last.
*sigh* i know i'm stupid to be so so obsessed with him, but he's amazingly lovely! and there's something about him that's so sexy. i don't care if he is taking advantage of me-- it isn't taking advantage if i want it, is it?
also, i'm excited about the party tomorrow. i've never thrown a real party before! |
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| party! |
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| 11:31am 19/05/2004 |
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mood: optimistic
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we heard some good news last night. father called to say he isn't coming home till next monday. it's not a surprise, since he often calls to tell us he's staying away longer, but it is very nice! more time to relax and do as we please.
last night, nigel, lyle and i decided that we should use the extra time to throw a party! so we're having a party on friday night. i hope friday is good for everyone-- we figured it would give us the most time to clean before father came home. if father found out, we'd be in so so much trouble, you've no idea. anyone who reads this is invited-- yes, even you, graham.
please come to our party! you can bring your friends too, if you want. the house is big enough. it should be a lot of fun. there will be plenty to drink and eat.
i hope you can make it! let me know if you're going to come! email me or comment here. thank you! |
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Read 10 - Post |
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| could be worse? |
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| 01:58pm 18/05/2004 |
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mood: discontent
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i'm feeling low again today. the girl who called me an anorexic the other day was giving me problems again this morning, saying mean things about me. she's in the chorus with me, and maybe it's because mr. corbet is always saying how well i do and giving me extra training and she's jealous? i don't know-- she's no cause to be jealous. it just means i have to do extra work, training, training, training. i have to stay after school a lot to practice and train, and i've been doing so for a while. it's not as if that's easy, and she's no right to treat me like that regardless. i've never done anything to her.
meanwhile, a. won't even look at me in school, and that really makes me feel bad. i mean, he could say hi at least? that wouldn't tarnish his reputation. or maybe it would. maybe i'm an untouchable or something. it makes me feel as though i'm not good for anything but a fuck. i'm so so so so stupid to like him, i know. maybe he's just worried about what people will think since he's not out? i guess he's bi. i assume he must do things with other boys, not just me, since he really seems to know what he's doing. at school all i see him with is girls. i'm sure he doesn't want anyone to know he likes boys too. it's not as if i'm technically "out" either, it's just that everyone automatically assumes i'm queer, so i'm out by default, i guess.
at least lyle's going to come spend the night tonight, and we can cheer each other up. well, i can cheer him up if he needs cheering-- i don't know that he's down. but lyle's always fun. he's the best friend ever. maybe we'll go out and do something, if i can think of any ideas. see you soon, lyle! |
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Read 7 - Post |
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| perfect day. |
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| 05:29pm 17/05/2004 |
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mood: pleased
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[filtered post: no graham.]
he came, he actually came over, just as he said he might. on sunday, while nigel was out. he came over to my house, and he fucked me in my bed, and my sheets still smell like him (i wish i never had to wash them again, although of course i will), and god, it was wonderful. he tastes so good, smells so good, looks so good. graham says he's a bastard, but he isn't-- he wasn't mean to me or anything, he only gave me what i wanted from him-- what's wrong with that?
i don't think anything can bring me down today. i don't want to talk about what happened too much. it was so wonderful, i feel like i want to keep it all to myself-- maybe talking about it would take some of the wonder out of it.
he's the most beautiful boy in the world, i'm sure of it.
i'm so happy.
it's so hard not to email him, but i told him i wouldn't email him anymore, so i will call on all my reserves of willpower and not write an email!
ok, now a silly quiz:
You are MERLE!
ANIME QUIZ - Which Escaflowne Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
aw, they didn't have to come right out and say i was annoying. ^_~ |
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Read 5 - Post |
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| sunday, bloody sunday |
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| 01:36pm 16/05/2004 |
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mood:  bored
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i'm so bored. i've stayed home all weekend and there's nothing to do. nigel's out with his friends somewhere. graham and lyle went out to see a film-- i forget which one. i wish i could have gone with them.
i've just finished painting my fingernails and toenails and now i'm waiting for them to dry. i have this sparkly blue nailpolish i really like.
i can't think of anything else to say, i'm just trying to pass the time. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| what i've been waiting for. |
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| 11:21am 14/05/2004 |
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mood: ecstatic
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[filtered post: no graham]
a. wrote me back! finally! i almost can't believe it! at first i was so so afraid to open his email, because i didn't know what he was going to say, and because he's right here in the library with me, and i knew he might be looking at me. but at last i worked up the nerve to read it.
( a's email. )
it's not fair that he won't do it today, won't even let me suck him off. that email makes me want him so much more than ever. i must have read it ten times already. *sighs* i guess i have been bothering him too much. i knew i shouldn't, but i couldn't help it. i'll try to do better from now on. i don't want to do anything that would make him stop wanting me.
i have such a crush on him. i still can't believe that someone so popular and smart and attractive (he really is) wants me! i mean, me!
i'm so excited. do you think this means he's really going to come over? i hope so! i wish he'd given me a definite day-- what if i were out when he happened to call? well, i just won't go anywhere, that's all. i know already that it's going to be torture, waiting for him, not knowing if he'll come.
oh god, he's looking at me right now. my face feels so hot. i can't believe he's right there and he knows i'm thinking about the way he fucks me. i almost can't bear it. god, he's so good. he's so so so good.
[lyle, please don't tell graham about this. he'll have a heart attack.] |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| life = a series of mistakes. |
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| 02:46am 14/05/2004 |
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mood: sad
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[filtered post: no graham.]
i'm so stupid. why did i go over graham's house tonight? i knew what was going to happen, and i'd promised myself not to have sex with him again. i just felt bad about not eating lunch with him like i promised i would, so i went over there, and of course we fucked. i mean, it was really good at the time (graham even tied my hands together), but now i feel soso terrible about it.
now graham isn't going to leave off trying to make me go out with him again, because i'm so stupid and weak and i can never say no.
to make things even worse, a. still hasn't written me back. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| up & down |
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| 11:45am 13/05/2004 |
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mood:  anxious
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mr. corbet loaned me this cd. i like it.
the first part of last night was fun. nigel borrowed kiki's delivery service from a friend of his (he knows i don't like the anime about robots killing each other), and it was very cute! i especially liked the little cat gigi. he was so funny. and kiki was so sweet. i cried a little at the end.
uncle teddy came by to check on us, and he brought us some apple currant tarts he'd made, which were so good. he must be the nicest man in the world. i wish he was our father instead.
then when it got later and nigel went to bed, i couldn't sleep as usual, so i stayed up and went online, and i started thinking about how a. still hasn't called me or written me back, and i started to get more and more upset, like i always do when i can't sleep.
it isn't fair-- i mean, i wouldn't care if all he wanted was to fuck me. that's fine. i want him to fuck me. i don't care if he uses me. it's not like i want a relationship with him-- well, i mean, i know he doesn't want one with me, and that's fine. i haven't asked for anything from him, and i know he must be attracted to me, at least physically, or why would he have fucked me at all-- and more than once? i just want to feel him again. i keep thinking about him. and i know he must think i'm stupid and pathetic, and i feel like i am stupid and pathetic. the last email i wrote him must have sounded so so crazy. i can't even remember what i wrote in it.
it was so so hard for me not to try and find some random boy online to sleep with last night, like i used to. i just felt so lonely. i just wanted to be touched. i don't know what to do. |
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Read 8 - Post |
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| another silly person posting another silly quiz result. |
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| 05:59pm 12/05/2004 |
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mood: silly
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Bondage movie! You're into BSDM (Bondage &
Discipline, Dominance & Submission) and chances
are, you're fond of whips, chains, harnesses,
and tight leather outfits. You like to mix a
little pain with a LOT of pleasure, baby!
What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla
that's no surprise. ^_^
my day got better!
i found out father's going to be gone for the week, and he's already left. it's just me and nigel in the house! it's so fun when father's away. nigel's going to rent some anime for us to watch later. i hope he gets something cute. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| good news & bad. |
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| 12:04pm 12/05/2004 |
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mood:  blah
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today started out all right for once in my life. in chorus this morning, mr. corbet said the nicest thing. he said i had a wonderful voice and that i should consider going to music school after graduation. he suggested maybe i should train to be a countertenor or something. i don't know. i mean, i don't think i'm that good, but it was so nice of him to say so. that made me really happy. he's my favorite teacher ever.
i guess i might consider going to music school, since father is making me go to university (he just wants me out of the house, i know it), and what regular university would take me with my grades? i don't want to go to trade school or anything like that. ugh.
but right after chorus, one of the girls asked me if i was anorexic-- and i felt terrible. it's bad enough that i have to be so small, but to have people spread rumors that i'm anorexic? that's not fair! i don't eat that much, but i don't have an eating disorder!
now i'm in the library, and i can see a. from where i'm sitting, leaning over his computer. i can see the back of his neck. even the back of his neck looks muscular, and so smooth. he's so hot. god. and i know that there's been nothing between us but sex, but that's fine. i wasn't asking for anything else. i know he's popular and smart, and i'm only a complete loser who doesn't talk to anyone except his rude ex-boyfriend. and i know he thinks i am pathetic, but i can't help the way i feel. it's just the way i feel. i just feel this-- this thing for him, inside me, this terrible, hard knot inside of me.
i wish i could talk to him or something. i don't dare go up to him when his friends are around, though. i wish he'd glance at me, at least. oh well.
i'll just have to try and remember mr. corbet being so nice. |
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Read 7 - Post |
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| please. |
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| 02:55am 12/05/2004 |
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i'm so tired. but i can't sleep. i keep thinking and thinking about it, though i know i shouldn't. the way he feels against me.
i wish you'd think of me.
i think of you, especially at night.
nigel bought me a coffee today. that was nice of him. that's the one nice thing that's happened to me all day.
i hate going to school. i wish i never had to go back. but of course, i have to go if i want to see him. i think he must absolutely despise me, but i can't help it, i can't.
g., i don't care if you're reading this (i don't care what you do). but you don't have to tell me about it in school. |
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| a. |
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| 03:16am 11/05/2004 |
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mood: crushed
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of course it's fine with me. fine. if you just want to fuck me. i don't care. i don't need anything else. and i love the way your hands feel around my throat. please, press a little harder. i don't want to breathe.
i like things this way. just give me this. give me this, at least. it's all i want.
i feel like i'm coming to pieces.
i did talk to a. today at school, but only for a little while. it was all right, but it only made me feel worse afterwards. why am i doing this to myself? i don't know.
i hate crying like this. i feel so stupid. right. i'm going to try to pull myself back together.
i wish someone else was online. there's no one to talk to but these stupid people i don't know. i'm either miserable or i'm bored today. what a bad day. |
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| thinking.... |
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| 01:36am 01/05/2004 |
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mood: melancholy
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i think about you and i miss you. i know you can't possibly think about me at all. obviously i'm not important to you. i don't know why i have to look at you and feel this way, why everything i feel is so wrong, so stupid. i must have done something wrong. but i miss you. you're so beautiful. i don't really want anything from you, just you.
i need to stop checking my email.
i know you'll write me back, i know you will. |
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| just trying to keep things down. |
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| 02:38am 28/04/2004 |
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mood:  angry
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i wish g. would stop following me, sending me instant messages, leaving notes for me. i don't want to talk to him after what he said to me. it was so disrespectful. he doesn't understand how i feel at all.
g. if you are reading this, please leave me alone. and stop apologizing, because i won't forgive you. i mean it.
i also wish my father would stop pounding on my door and telling me to come down for dinner (not that he's doing it right now, but he was earlier tonight). i hate eating dinner with him. i'd rather run down to the shop for a sandwich later.
i talked to a. today for a little while. it was nice. |
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